Mr. Red Meet Bernie the Brewer
Baseball, among all American sports, has a great history of Mustaches. Some of the greatest players and managers in the sport's long and storied history have had spectacular mustaches. And so too, do the mascots.
Pictured above on the left is Mr. Red, the mascot of the Cincinnati Reds. Pictured above on the right is Bernie Brewer, the mascot of the Milwaukee Brewers. These two sweet stached mascots represent teams that are in the same division and big rivals, making them natural enemies. This begs the questions, which mascot has the better mustache and which mascot would win in a fight?
Which Mascot Has a Better Mustache?
Mr. Red's mustache is dark and full, cleanly groomed with slightly upturned ends. This is a marvelous mustache reminiscent of 1980's wrestler the Iron Sheik
. This is a handsome mustache that any man could proudly sport to a baseball game or a black tie event. It is hard to find fault with this black beauty. I would not argue if someone were to give this mustache a 10 out of 10 on the Mustache Awesomeness Scale. Well played Mr. Red!Bernie the Brewer is also rocking a slightly upturned mustache, but like much of the citizenry of his home state of Wisconsin, Bernie's Stache is a sloppy, unkempt, slovenly mess. There really is no comparison as blonde mustaches are as rare as...well...a blonde mustache. If you can think of a famous person with a blonde mustache outside of Hulk Hogan, then I give you mad props, Sir. They simply aren't out there. Blonde people should stick to what they do best, making dark haired people look smart. (For all the blonde participants of MustacheMonth, I still love you, but you've got to admit you've got a long uphill battle).
Advantage: Obviously this one goes to Mr. Red.
Which Mascot Would Win in a Fight?
Mr. Red has two things going for him as far as I can tell. First, he has those crazy eyes. Look at them. If you see a guy with eyes like that, I don't care how tough you are, you politely get out of his way. The only time I ever saw a man with similar eyes, he was trying to sell me cocaine in Mexico. I didn't want any cocaine, but I didn't want to offend him either, so I bought a giant sombrero. Win win. The second thing Mr. Red has going for him is that his head is made out of a baseball. Baseballs are seriously tough. They are designed to be hit over and over with a bat and not withstand any damage. If you hit a man in the dome with a bat, you expect him to at least slow down. Not only that, but I've seen some baseball's do some serious damage. A baseball recently broke Marlon Byrd's face and took the eye of the Brave's first base coach. Baseballs are gangster as fuck.
Bernie the Brewer has a couple of advantages here too. First, he's obviously intoxicated. In the old County Stadium days, any time a Brewer hit a home run, Bernie slid into a giant glass of beer. He is a drunk, and nobody fights like a drunk. There's a reason Notre Dame uses the Fighting Irish as a mascot, the Irish are known for their high level of intoxication and therefore fight. A lot. As a drunk, Bernie is a much more experienced, reckless, and unpredictable fighter. The second advantage I see for Bernie is that his home state is Wisconsin A.K.A. Southern Canada. In the long dark winters of Southern Canada there isn't much else to do besides play ice hockey, a sport known as much for it's violent blood lust as it is for the skill it takes to punch a face while balancing on a thin blade of metal.
Advantage: Mr. Red.
Agree? Disagree? Let us know in the comments which mascot you think has a sweeter mustache and which mascot would win in a fight. Back up your thoughts so the conversation can be advanced.
Comments