Mustache Dispatch
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Packing for the Mustache Month Convention
Future Rookie of the Year, Redgie Blanco shows why he's so popular with the gents...err...ladies.
MustacheMonth is winding down, and the Convention is a mere two days away. For those of you who have never attended the MustacheMonth Convention, here is a list of things to bring along:
- Bible - you'll want to have this to follow along during Sunday morning's Service;
- Gold Bond Medicated Powder - Gold Bond is the only known remedy for the Infamous Vegas Chafe. If you plan on doing any walking on the streets of Las Vegas during the MustacheMonth Convention, you will encounter the Vegas Chafe;
- Mustache Wax - during the Convention you want your mustache to look its best, both to increase your chances of winning Mustache of the Month of the Year (MotMotY) and to demonstrate to the kind people of Las Vegas that mustachioed men are fine upstanding citizens and respectable young men;
- Pants - Pants are required almost everywhere in Las Vegas (shorts can be substituted for pants if you prefer);
- Dispensable Funds - They do not build those beautiful Casinos and pay those extraordinary electricity bills by you winning money. Don't be selfish, plan on losing whatever money you bring;
- Swimming Trunks - Swimming Trunks are for emergency use only. If you plan poorly and shoot your wad of dispensable cash before the finale of the Convention, you may want to spend your time drinking the warm remainders of stranger's drinks poolside. If you do not have trunks, they may mistake you for a vagabond and have you removed from the premises;
- More Underwear Than You Think You'll Need - This one requires no more explanation;
- Sunglasses - You'll want to bring shades not only because of the unforgiving Desert sunshine, but also to hide your terribly bloodshot eyes from the smut peddlers, pimps, and card sharps of the Las Vegas Strip. Degenerates can smell their own and you don't want to let your squinty bloodshot eyes give them a head start in realizing that you are one of them;
- Switchblade Mustache Comb;
- Your Mustache - Absolutely the one thing you cannot leave behind when you come to the MustacheMonth Convention.
Have fun and see you there. Veterans, please post other suggestions for what not to forget when packing for the Convention...
Rich Casino Has a Questionable Mustache
Rich Casino
33 years
Male
Cancer/Gemini (on the cusp)
6 years of MustacheMonth
3 years of MustacheMonth Convention (can't really remember because I was so f---------------d.)
Mustache: Three Dog Night Baby!
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. 7 and 7
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Pennyslot Star Wars in the terrible tuscany.
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. Married - cant answer that one right now.
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Grover Cleveland
A. My redneck dad of course!
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. Hafner on the golf cart driving into a tree outside of hotel room.
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Ryan Seacrest
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Burt Reynolds
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. I had one as a newborn, didn’t discover that I missed it until about 27
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Stroking it of Course!
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. THE CRABS!!
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. I DON’T CARE THEY HAVE TO LOVE IT.
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. Perdro
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. Seeing my family (brownie points yeah).
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Some random gentlemen that we will meet from him stalking our mustache site, and wanting to hump us all in the asses will, befriend us, tie us up, and rape us all like little girls. Besides him probably the ODY.
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. The evidence is always kept within the stach. You can find out what the person ate, who the person ate, who the person ate out, all with DNA. it is brilliant!!!!
Q. Is Hitler an evil man bacause he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the wholeworld to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. All of the above although his stach is the real one that ruled.
Explosion!!
Cory "Explosion" Wagner
24 years
Capricorn
6-7 maybe 8 years of MustacheMonth
2 years of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Fun and Sassy
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Whatever is put in front of me.
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Keno.
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. They're always free, Buddy!
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Nobody. My mustache is pretty rockin'.
Q. What person, living or dead, has a mustache that most closely resembles yours?
A. Ron Jeremy.
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. When some dude (Sean T.) brought a muscle stimulator and everyone was putting it on and turning it on Full Throttle!!!
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Conan O'Brien
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Tom Selleck
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. The first time I grew one, many many years ago.
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Saving flavors for later.
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Other people's stares.
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. Yes.
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. Spreading the word of MustacheMonth!
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Club Platinum and all the cool people.
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Tom "Tomdude" Britt
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. Hey, some people don't have what it takes. A mustache isn't just facial hair, it's a lifestyle.
Q. Is Hitler an evil man bacause he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the whole world to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. D.
Is "Brotherhood Without Borders" as Gay as it Sounds??
Poopy Poopy this is Loopy.
Mother Fucking Loop Dog
33 years
Male
Scorpio
2 years of MustacheMonth
1 year of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Specfrickintacular
2007 Rookie of the Month of the Year
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Red Bull and Gray Goose
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Blackjack
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. Are you kidding me?! Those shits are FREE!
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Wyatt Earp
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. Pocket Pancakes
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Rosie O'Donnell
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Burt
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. When people would stop and stare and hold their children close.
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Mustache envy
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Mustache envy
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. Hell yeah.
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. Slick
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. Brotherhood without borders
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Getting to see all these fuckers in one place.
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Big Show
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. They are uneducated
Q. Is Hitler an evil man bacause he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the whole world to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. All of the Above
The Dastardly Mr. P
Chris
30 years
Male
Capricorn
7 years of MustacheMonth
6 years of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Fuckin' Sweet
Q: What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonthConvention?
A: 7 and 7.
Q: What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A: No Limit Texas Hold 'Em.
Q: How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A: I ask for 25 cents but usually it's free.
Q: If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A: Jason Lee.
Q: What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A: Agent Cody Banks throwing up every 20 minutes on the way home.
Q: Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A: All of them.
Q: Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A: Burt.
Q: When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A: First time I grew one.
Q: What is the best part about having a mustache?
A: Leftovers.
Q: What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A: Getting hair in my mouth.
Q: Do chicks dig the stache?
A: Of course.
Q: If your mustache had a name what would it be?
A: Mr. P.
Q: What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A: Everyone checking out the sweet stache.
Q: What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A: Everything.
Q: Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this year’s convention?
A: Gipp.
Q: Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A: They are just jealous.
Q: Is Hitler an evil man because he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of humans based on race and religious beliefsA: C.
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent thereby bringing the whole world to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers.
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity.
D. Ruinedone style of mustache for eternity
Teamwork: There is no I in Drunk
Tom "TomDude" Britt
30 years
Male
Cancer
10 years of MustacheMonth
2 years of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Hard but Soft
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Dollar Bottles at the Fabulous Key Largo.
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Penny video blackjack.
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Sir Francis Drake.
Q. What person, living or dead, has a mustache that most closely resembles yours?
A. Sonny Bono.
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. America Ferrera.
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Tom Selleck.
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. August.
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Making Mexicans jealous.
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Unwanted attention.
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. Yes.
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. Hector.
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. Teamwork.
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Baby powder.
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Cory "Explosion" Wagner.
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. Because the media is stupid.
Q. Is Hitler an evil man because he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the whole world to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. D.
Rash-n-Dash
Nate and his Rookie Cookie Duster of Doom.
Nate
24 years
Male
Virgo
1 year of MustacheMonth
1 year of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Pimpin
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Crown n' Coke
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Roulette
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. Free-$0.25 depending on the smell.
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Borat
Q. What person, living or dead, has a mustache that most closely resembles yours?
A. Hulk Hogan
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. The lack there of!
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Simon Cowell
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Reynolds
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. When the ladies were speechless staring at the beauty that is the stache.
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. The utter regalness
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Food Storage
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. Is porn awesome?
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. Rash-n-Dash
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. VEGAS
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Strippers
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Taylor Johnson
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. Because cops are gay villains who befriend little people. Doesn't mean my regalness is any of the above!
Q. Is Hitler an evil man bacause he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing thewholeworld to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands ofsoldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. E, All the above
Meet the Mustache of the Month of the Year
Frankie
25 years
Male
Leo
4 years of MustacheMonth
3 years of MustacheMonth Convention
2008 Mustache of the Month of the Year Award winner.
Mustache: Wow.
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. 7&7
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Blackjack
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. Free
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Wyatt Earp
Q. What person, living or dead, has a mustache that most closely resembles yours?
A. Kevin Youkilis
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. The Shocker!
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Tony Romo
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds?
A. Burt.
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. When your mom told me.
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Kids hate you.
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Moms love you.
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. Yes.
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. The WERHOFNIK
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. Vegas.
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. No Women.
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Hafner
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. Because it's 90% true.
Q. Is Hitler an evil man bacause he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the wholeworld to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. A.
Schoolboy Banned Over Mustache
Dear Blog,
The villainization of the mustache has reached global proportions as a 14 year old boy was kicked out of school in England for having peach fuzz on his upper lip. How will people of the Stache ever get a fair shake in this world and overcome the prejudices held against us when school kids are taught at such a young age that having a mustache is terrible? This blatant indoctrination of the youth is the single most disheartening occurance of the Mustache Equality Movement since the release of The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3. I can just hear the brainstorming session behind that movie:
"We can get Travolta to play the criminal mastermind..." says A-Hole #1
"But John is just so danged likable," replies A-Hole #2, "The audience will never believe that he's a villain!"
"MWAHAhhahhaHah!!!!" Retorts A-Hole #1 evilly, "They will if we give him a mustache and tattoos!!"
"Yay!! Our job is so easy! I heart stereotypes!" Rejoice both A-Holes.
This kid getting kicked out of school for having a mustache is much more damaging to the Movement though, because 1) nobody saw The Taking of Pelham 123 and 2) because teachers are entrusted with shaping the future of our world and if teachers are still educating children that mustaches are evil then the Mustache Equality Movement has a long way to go.
Thanks for listening Blog. You're my best friend.
Link to article:
Schoolboy Banned Over Mustache
If my mustache and tattoo doesen't convince you that I'm evil maybe my filmography will...
Half my Friends are Evil
Those are some swell nose neighbor-erinos!
Hafner
31 years
Male
Pisces
10 years of MustacheMonth
7 years of MustacheMonth Convention
Mustache: Bitchin' Sweet
Q. What is your beverage of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Seven and Sevens
Q. What is your game of choice at the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Blackjack
Q. How much do you charge for mustache rides?
A. 25 cents. No discounts granted to repeat customers.
Q. If you could trade mustaches with anybody, living or dead, who would it be?
A. Kurt "Danger" Russell in Tombstone
Q. What person, living or dead, has a mustache that most closely resembles yours?
A. Ned Flanders - it's the classic Dad Stache.
Q. What is your favorite MustacheMonth Convention memory?
A. Two words: Golf Cart
Q. Which celebrity that currently does not have a mustache do you think could most benefit from growing one?
A. Chris Griffen from Family Guy. His upper lip is the size of my whole face.
Q. Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds
A. Tom Selleck
Q. When did you realize that you looked more handsome with a mustache than without one?
A. Every time I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror it's Helloooo Handsome...
Q. What is the best part about having a mustache?
A. Hiding my cold sores.
Q. What is the worst part about having a mustache?
A. Shaving it off at the end of August.
Q. Do chicks dig the 'stache?
A. The cool ones do.
Q. If your mustache had a name, what would it be?
A. "Handsome" Harry Lipner
Q. What is your favorite part about MustacheMonth?
A. I like to see the progress from year to year of everybody's mustache. My first mustache looked like a 12 year old mexican boy's stache. Now, it looks like your dad's. I think KY has made the most progress from his first year to this one.
Q. What is your favorite part about the MustacheMonth Convention?
A. Drinking, gambling, and drinking.
Q. Who, besides you, is the favorite to win Mustache of the Month of the Year at this years Convention?
A. Pruitt. His mustache has looked strong the last couple years, plus he has the classic style that I prefer and is not afraid to rock it for the whole month.
Q. Why do you think the media portrays people with mustaches as cops, gays, villains, or pedophiles?
A. The media does it because Mustached Americans lack leadership and fail to stand up for their rights. If the media portrayed Chinese Americans as folks that bought dogs and named them Yum-Yum just so they could fatten them up and eat them, Chinese Americans would rise up in protest. Mustaches need a voice!!
Q. Is Hitler an evil man because he:
A. Attempted to eradicate an entire group of people based on race and religious beliefs
B. Attempted to conquer an entire continent therby bringing the whole world to war and causing the deaths of hundreds of thousands of soldiers
C. Had syphilis, which eventually drove him to insanity
D. Ruined one style of mustache for eternity
A. Oh dear...Um...A, B, and D. Can we consider a man evil just because he had an STD? If so, at least half of my friends would be evil.
